She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
