i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Pappa wants mamma naked
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
