I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
