Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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