my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
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"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize