So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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