I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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