Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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