you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
