On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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