My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
