i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He kissed a someone with a penis
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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