Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
