It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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