It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
