I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
