cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT