those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him