Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Never let your siblings swipe right.