I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.