If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
