Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
