We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
