she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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