so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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