my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
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