I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
