You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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