In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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