the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
