i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
