I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
