Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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