Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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