I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize