you didnt know i had herpes?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
