I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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