Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
