Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
