he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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