also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
