woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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