she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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