my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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