this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
