I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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