I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
