I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
