If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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