Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
