My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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