This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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