My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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