Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
