What a fucking waste of an outfit
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
