So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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