Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
