I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
