I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
