so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
