I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
