i was rollin on her like bob the builder
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
