WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
